If I were to as succinctly as possible explain where I am coming from, I would highlight two things: contradicting dualities and challenging childhood. (Or better phrased, the stories I tell of where I come from are...)
Contradicting dualities because, as a kid I was very extraverted (to the point of constant problems), but as a teenager I fell in love with long hours of deep, focused work to the extent where nowadays it is a living necessity. A day without long deep focused work is not a wasted day, it is a day simply in pain; it’s not that I want to do long deep work, it is that it physically hurts not to.
In my late teens I found this cocktail to be a walking disaster: because of my early childhood I didn’t consider myself technical enough for math Olympiads, nor social enough to be an “actor” (insert any job that requires constant social interactions) because of my early teens.
Turns out, it is a rare combination to almost have a physical need for focused work, while then be able to communicate and “socialize” about it. Now I see it as a bliss around which I structure my whole life.
Challenging childhood because starting somewhere between 5 and 17 I was always is some hostile environment, be it just school, home, or both. (I’m past the phase of blaming my parents, I know they did the best they could. Or holding resentment towards others, on another thought, maybe some of the school stuff is still there.) Broadly, this had 3 consequences.
First, it made me highly driven by fear, not joy. Being driven by fear sucks very much. I would call it hell on earth, but from accounts of others depression and death of close ones seems to be worse. So I’ll call it a worthy third. I came to think that the acquired “demons” are never truly gone, yet you can manage them to your advantage. You have to keep them in the cage so they won’t run (ruin) your life, but let out when you need bursts of drive to get something done (but never let them decide what is the goal in the first place!). Truly integrating the idea of optimistic nihilism helped a lot to decrease being driven by fear.
Second, it made me value trustworthy relationships very highly. Most people just don’t understand how crucial trust is. If people don’t trust you, whatever strengths you have are literally multiplied by zero. And if they do, you can be the last fool on earth, and still achieve more and have more rewarding relationships than any “genius”. I was not a trustworthy person, I wasn’t honest or reliable, and I couldn’t be a steward for others. The impact of these traits was very, very scarring; not just due to the interactions with others, but also because of how you interact with yourself. Now being trustworthy, and building trustworthy relationships is my main focus socially. (It is also the best cure I found to self-hate.)
Lastly, it made me pretty resilient. In fact, I noticed I work much better under pressure, I feel lighter, more focused and more energized. It became obvious only in my late teens. I will keep the details of this story for in-person conversations, but my dad was wrongly accused of corruption (the guy who was actually corrupted paid the police to persecute my dad instead). There was a raid/search of our house at 6 am, and it was just me and my dad. He for years would proudly tell of how unbothered and helpful I was during that raid. I hope I don’t sound as boasting about my dad’s raids, but only retrospectively I realized how crazy the situation was, and how steady and clear-headed I stayed as a 14yo for some reason during it. Looking backwards, I attribute it to my early childhood adversity.
Other important things about my upbringing:
I was born in Ukraine, Odessa but mostly grew up in Russia, Moscow.
My dad was a nuclear power plant manager, while mom was a stylist. This might explain some of my contradicting dualities, and incline for art, design and red earrings ;)
Lastly I’m the oldest sibling of three with a 5 and 7 year gap, this makes you a “third parent” pretty early. Which might explain some of my aptitudes to “conduct”.
Alright, here you have it, this is my succinct version of where I come from.